Thankful?...

So as we were driving home tonight, I was flipping through the stations and suddenly a familiar tune...a little Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" brought a smile and a tear at the same time. I can still hear Cameron's little voice singing it loudly, I can still see the expression on the music therapist at Duke's face when coming by his room in the midst of chemotherapy, Cameron's asked "you got any Jessie's girl?", and yet it also serves as the painful reminder that I will never hear him sing again. Well, at least not in this lifetime...

Here we are at the close of the Thanksgiving holiday. I've watched my friends make daily posts on facebook about things they are thankful for and truly I am thankful for so much...for EJ, for Connor, for my faith, my friends and so much more. However, verbalizing such is difficult as everything seems to be overshadowed by the tremendous sadness in my soul. The truth is, its been a really tough month with the anniversary of Cameron's passing and the start of the holiday season. Sadly, I guess this time of year will forever be a painful time in our lives. But in the midst of the sadness, I am thankful for traditions. As has been the tradition my whole life, the weekend following Thanksgiving has always been the time to put up the Christmas tree and decorate the house for the holidays. A little bah humbug this year, I forced myself to pull the boxes out of the attic and start the process. I have always loved the holidays and been one to put up Christmas trees all over the house. That was before. But Connor helped me get one tree up and as I began to pull out the ornaments, it was like a walk down memory lane...ornaments from little preschool hands that are now a treasure on my tree...ornaments picked out by little hands that take me back to the day they were purchased and the excitement in his eyes. I still haven't found the strength to hang the stockings...not sure if I ever will. I can't hang three; I can't look at four.

Without question, life hasn't really turned out the way I planned. I never anticipated sitting in the place I am now. But here I am, grieving for one forever gone and filled with anticipation for what the future holds for the other. So with each passing day, I'm trying to be thankful for the things that remain in this life and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Cancer has robbed me of so much...I simply refuse to let it rob me of what is ahead.

Almost a year...

It's hard to believe that Friday will be one year since Cameron left this home for his eternal home.  It's even harder to believe that I have a whole lifetime ahead of me before I get to see him again.  The thought process should really be the reverse...he saying goodbye to me...but since it's not, I find myself in unchartered waters and wondering which way to go next.  This week, celebrating his life was no different.  How do you acknowledge the day your child died?  How do you ignore the day your child died?  What is right?  What is wrong?  And then came, what would Cameron want us to do?  So, we decided to do a little toy drive this week to collect items for the toy chest in the hematology/oncology clinic at Duke and try to bring a smile to other little boys and girls who are still in the battle for their life.  I believe that is what Cam would want us to do.  It's sad, but also joyful, that he spent almost half his life at Duke...sad that he did, joyful that he never complained about it.  He actually loved going to see his "Duke friends".  So, this is the plan.  And I am sure this will be the plan every year on the anniversary of his passing.  It's such a hard time for us right now; Friday will be even harder.  But one of my sweet co-workers sent me a podcast of a speaker from their church to listen to.  The speaker said, in reference to the hope in Jesus Christ,  "Remember...the devil, even on his best day, can't defeat you on your worst day"...I love that.  

Hello again...

I know it has been a long time since I have posted anything here but the words wouldn't come. The past month has been especially difficult. I'm emotionally tired...I'm sad...I'm lonely...and more than anything, I just miss Cameron so much. Its hard to believe that in just a few weeks, it will be a year since he left us. In some ways it seems like yesterday that I held his little hand and heard him giggle and in others, it seems like a lifetime since I looked into his big blue eyes. Life is just not the same. The empty seat at the table every night, the empty room in the hall, just paralyzes me sometimes. Connor said tonight at dinner, "it's just so quiet here now." And he is right, it is.

I keep waiting for the light bulb moment to occur when the Lord reveals to me why this is all happening. But as every day passes, and as the hole in my heart just keeps getting deeper, I begin to realize this is probably just not something I am suppose to ever understand. Sometimes I fear not ever being able to open my bible again; I just don't understand the words from this perspective right now. But I also have faith that even if I struggle communicating with the Lord right now, He is still carrying me through this time in my life. After all, He says He will never leave us. Although, it sure feels like it sometimes.

The next few weeks are going to be exceptionally hard with Halloween approaching as well as the anniversary of Cam's passing. Cameron loved dressing up for Halloween...so much that I find myself detouring sections of stores to avoid the aisles. Somebody posted a quote on facebook today that said "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." I giggled thinking...wow, life must be about to start for us because we are surely at the absolute end of our comfort zone. But the truth is, life is already restarting. I don't look at the world the same anymore. I look at every single person whom I come in contact with and wonder what cross they are secretly bearing in their lives. Even when I'm sad, I still put one foot in front of the other and continue on with a smile...that's what my hero taught me to do. I admire Connor's thirst for knowledge and desire to help others. I treasure the little moments he speaks with me about his brother. And I remain thankful for the little things in life...like the beautiful cardinal that flew right in front of my path yesterday! Sometimes its the little things that make all the difference.

A New Chapter...

Here we are at the end of August and at the beginning of a new chapter in the life of the Jackson's. On Monday, Connor heads to high school. I cannot believe it. We have been through so much with Cameron in the past few years that sometimes I forget that Connor entered this world 8 weeks early at 3 pounds, 9 ounces and now that little preemie is a freshman and heading off to high school. Saying time flies is an understatement. As I sat in the auditorium at the high school tonight, tears came to my eyes; I am so excited for Connor and for the opportunities now at his fingertips and yet my heart desperately misses the one who will never get to walk through the adventure of high school.

I too, have opened up a new chapter of life...I have headed back to school myself. This fall may be an interesting one juggling work, school, home life, a high schooler, and everything in between. And on top of that, one of my friends and I are busy planning a St. Baldrick's event in Apex to raise money for childhood cancer. It's strangely therapeutic for me to continue the fight Cameron could not.

To be honest, the past month has been incredibly hard. We came home from a fabulous trip to Europe, Cameron's birthday was a few weeks later, and since then, a thick layer of sadness has just set in with EJ and I. I am not really sure why, perhaps just the waves of grief. Maybe it is all the kids returning to school. I have tried to incorporate morning runs to clear my head, pray, think which has helped but getting through some days is just a task. So I'm staying busy and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. But even in the midst of the sadness, the Lord continues to send little gifts...an impromptu visit with a special family we met as a result of Cam's battle, new friends entering my life, the little boy with long eyelashes at the beach who wanted to "push the button" in the elevator, a special note from one of Cam's friends...all little gifts to keep my feet moving. He says, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" and He holds true to His promise...always!

Nearer than you think...

Several years ago, in the midst of Cameron's battle, someone gave me the book Jesus Calling.  It has sat on my desk since then but for some reason, last night I picked it up and turned to the devotional for the day which read:

"I am nearer than you think, richly present in all your moments.  However, you may feel alone sometimes because your union with Me is invisible.  Ask Me to open your eyes so that you might find Me everywhere.  The more aware you are of My presence, the safer you feel...Faith is the confirmation of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed by the senses."

It was interesting to read because over the past few months, this has been a real conviction of mine.  Not focusing on the negative but getting up every morning and asking God to open my eyes to the blessings around me...being thankful in everything that I do have.  It's a task...it's a BIG task.  Some days it is easier than other.  Others not so much.  But what an amazing difference in a day when you focus on the positives and not the negatives.

Just this week, one of my best friends was coming to meet me for lunch.  She got lost...lived here for years but still got lost.  So I said, stay where you are, I'm coming to you.  After giggling (ok, I confess, making fun of her directionally challenged self) we enjoyed a nice lunch and then I looked up and saw someone with the biggest smile walking towards me.  It took a moment to register who it was, another dear friend of mine who I met at Duke...her son was in the room next to Cameron.  We have kept in touch over the years but I haven't seen her in months and months.  What a wonderful surprise!  What added joy to an already wonderful lunch.  So getting lost and a change of plans actually turned out to be such a blessing and such a reminder to me that sometimes, we just have to keep our eyes open for all the little reminders God has for us that get us through each and every day.

Happy Birthday Cameron

Today was a bittersweet day for our family for it would have been Cameron’s 11^th birthday.  We have dreaded this day for months, not knowing how or what to do for the day he looked forward to so much.  To celebrate or not to celebrate?  Letting the day his wonderful little soul came into our life come and go and not acknowledge it seemed wrong.  But celebrating did too.  I guess this is just the reality so many families like ours face after losing a child.  But this morning, EJ came up with a brilliant idea.  While at Target a few weeks ago, we picked up the new 2012 red Hot Wheels Ferrari…it would have been a Cam favorite for sure.  We attached a note.

 

 

Added a bunch of balloons.  And then the three of us went to the church, held the strings together, and then released them into the clouds. 

 

 

Tears flowed as I watched the balloons float away.

 

 

Such sadness and yet such joy.  Despite the pain of the past few years, I have been given such a wonderful family.  11 years ago today, I had no idea what we would have to endure with the little 6lb, 7oz baby in our arms.  But even if I had to do it over again, I would just to have the opportunity to be his mommy!  Love you and miss you more than words can say sweet Cam and cannot wait to meet you at the feet of Jesus one day. 

 

Thankful in ALL things?

It's been a while since I wrote for a combination of reasons.  Life is busy, work is crazy, I've been sad, not much to say, and beyond that, I have been trying to find a way to turn my grieving heart into a thankful one...that is, thankful in ALL things.  Sometimes I pause when thanking God for all the amazing people now in my life...how can I be thankful for those who are present only because of a tumor called medulloblastoma; a tumor that ultimately took my wonderful little boy.  And I question, how Lord can I be thankful in ALL things?  And how Lord, do I move forward?  

I can say with complete certainty that I can't even remember the pre-cancer LeAnn and at times, I find myself in places wondering "how did I get here?"  This past week was one of those times.  I went to Washington DC as part of the Alliance for Childhood Cancer.  I, along with about 250 others, met on Capitol HIll for two days to discuss the issues at hand in childhood cancer and meet with our congressional representatives to urge action.  I went to do what I do best...TALK!  And yes, I presented a good argument.  But I walked away with a peace I didn't go to DC for.  For two days, my eyes focused in on the young children in the room who were survivors, and as I listened to their parents speak of the many debilitating difficulties these survivors face as a result of the toxic chemicals they received as part of their treatment, a peace came over me...

And as I sat in church today, I began to sob listening to one of the songs.  The verse says:

No guilt in life,

No fear in death

This is the pow'r of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

My tears were of joy.  The truth is, Cameron never feared death and cancer never plucked him from our Lord's hand.  Those who knew Cameron have and will always attest to the fact that he was a very special child.  What I've come to realize is that Cameron was different because he was full of the pow'r of Christ.  What I've come to desire it to move forward with the same fearless strength.  I miss him like crazy.  His giggle resonates in my soul and makes me smile even on the worst days.  Why didn't he survive?  Maybe I got my answer...perhaps this mommy's heart couldn't bear to see him struggle for the rest of his life.  Or maybe, he accomplished what his purpose was for this life.  And as I sit in my dark, quiet house this evening, I am thankful for my wonderful family of four, and even if for only 10 years, the opportunity to be Cameron's mommy and witness true, unquestioning faith. 

Does God really work in the "easy"?

A few weeks ago, I was in the car with some friends and we were discussing "life".  One of them said "man, I sure am glad my life is easy!"  I knew what she meant...easy means having a loving husband, great job, healthy kids, beautiful home...and the list could go on and on.  Who doesn't want that.    But that comment left me pondering two things in my heart for weeks...should we desire an "easy life"? and does God really work in the "easy"?

Clearly, life hasn't been easy for the Jackson's over the past few years.  Actually, its been pretty catastrophic.  To be completely honest, it has been difficult to return to church, difficult to pray, and especially difficult to read my Bible.  What has been interesting is that during this time when I have been distant to the tangible aspects of my faith, I have found myself thinking, and perhaps growing, more than I ever have in the past.  And it makes me wonder how much of my life was spent, as Matthew West sings, going through "The Motions".  

It was 6 months ago today that we said goodbye to Cameron.  I feel like David sometimes who writes in Psalm 6 "I am worn out by sobbing.  Every night I make my bed swim; I dissolve my couch with my tears."  The tears come so easy.  My mind is always on the one I miss so painfully and the only One who can help me get through another day...trusting that in this time of uneasiness, God's doing something miraculous.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Cam's special place

The past few weeks have been the hardest yet.  Cameron loved Easter...everything about it.  And adding to our heavy emotions, we got the call Easter week that they were putting in the stone at Cameron's special place.  So we packed up and headed to Georgia.  I have to be honest, I was nervous about going.  I wanted to see things finished but visiting the cemetery is so emotional.  EJ and I got up our first morning there and went to visit...

 

 

Cameron would sit for hours and doodle cars and racetracks and we were able to have some of his drawings etched into the granite.  A perfect tribute to the sweetest little boy.

 

My sister spent hours making an arrangement for Cameron’s special place.  It was colorful and happy…just like Cam.

 

 

As we got up on Easter morning to head back to North Carolina…the three of us stood thinking about the one who is missing…

 

 

The tears flowed like a river.  I long for happier times…

 

 

I began thinking about the first Easter morning.  Because Jesus’ tomb was empty, so is Cameron’s.  I desperately wish God’s plan for our lives had been different but trust He is going to get us through this.  We are trying to adjust to our new “normal”.  It’s a daily task to laugh.  It’s a struggle at times to pray.  We just miss Cam so much…

Whirlwind of a month...

I can't believe it is almost April. Although I must say, when I stepped into March and looked at the month ahead of me, I knew I would blink my eyes and March would be gone. It's been a crazy month for the Jackson's. Between March 2 and today, I think I have only been home 9 days...craziness. First it was Dallas, then Germany, then DC, and somewhere in there, I managed to sneak in a half marathon and other than raising two boys, the 13.1 miles may be one of my greatest accomplishments to date. With every step, I kept thinking about my wonderful little angel who will never have the opportunity to do what I was doing...run! I shouldn't be sad, I know he has a million fold in heaven to what we do here. But the mommy in me grieves all the things we will never get to see him do, all the things we will never experience with him, and I just plain grieve for him.

Easter is just around the corner. It's always been an emotional holiday for me as I ponder the sacrifice Jesus made so many years ago. This year it will be so hard for us. I think Cameron enjoyed Easter almost as much as he enjoyed Christmas. He couldn't wait to get dressed for church, hunt eggs, and have lunch at his grandmother's house. I'm just not sure if I can even be here for Easter this year; just thinking about it makes me cry. But I have to say, for as much as I miss Cameron and as much as my heart hurts, I have the assurance of knowing the Jesus' death brought new life; a life we can not fathom this side of heaven but a life my little Cam is absolutely enjoying abundantly. And that fact alone is what gets me out of bed day after day. Love to you all...

Back from Germany

After 8 days in Germany, we are finally back home. I had a business trip and since Connor was tracked out, the boys decided to tag along with me. It was really a great experience but bittersweet. Checking into the airport as a family of three left EJ and I both in tears; such a constant void always. But it was nice to get away from life for a while, see a new place, eat some new things, and give Connor the history lesson of a lifetime.

On Friday we headed to Berlin for the weekend.


The train experience was interesting as our tickets were in German and we had no idea how to find our seats. It took about 45 minutes into the trip to finally get to the right spot. EJ was sweating, Connor complaining, and I was laughing at the fact we looked like the dumb Americans. We got off the train in Berlin only to find a Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts side by side; I guess American influence is everywhere. Our hotel was amazing overlooking the Brandenburg Gate and also the site where many of the scenes from the Bourne Supremacy was filmed.


Standing in front of the Reichstag, touching the Berlin Wall, and viewing the memorial to the Holocaust were amazing.

After Berlin, I had to work but the boys went to Munich. They toured Dachau...


Went to a soccer (a.k.a. football) match...


And spent a day walking through the city and learning the history regarding the rise of Adolf Hitler.


All in all, it was a fabulous trip but we are so happy to be home.

The crazy past few days...

It's been a busy few days. Last Thursday was Connor's 14th birthday...gosh I cannot believe he is almost a man. It's amazing to see how much he is changing each and every day. He's almost as tall as I am, and yes, he thinks he is twice as smart and perhaps he actually is. At times the teenager in him makes me want to scream but I also see the wonderful sweet spirit he has. He'll be off to high school next year. I am so excited for the opportunities in store for him. However, not a day goes by that I don't wonder how Cameron's passing will effect him long term.

This past weekend, I flew to Dallas for a pediatric brain tumor meeting. It was my first meeting since Cam passed, and the first time I had really spent time with Cam's doctors since his service in November. I worried how it would make me feel but it was strangely therapeutic. I was able to spend some time with a few moms who walked this journey years before me. It's a rough club to belong to...I call it the sorority from hell. But at least I have them...what a gift in itself! I am not sure it will never be easy to look at MRI scans and survival curves and know how easily Cameron's situation could have turned out differently but continuing the fight against something he no longer can is what keeps my feet moving each day.

But the highlight of my weekend came before and after the conference. I was able to fly to Dallas early and spend the day with one of my best friends who moved to that area a few years ago. We stayed up late chatting and then did what girls do best the following day, we went shopping. And yes, I came home with the only appropriate Texas souvenir...cowboy boots!!! And as luck would have it, I got to see one of my dearest friends, a medulloblastoma researcher I met after Cameron's treatment, who was flying in to Dallas a few hours before I was set to leave. We had dinner and then I went and sat in the corner of DFW and did what I do best these days...cry.

The next few weeks will be just as crazy as the last few days. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue on through this really rough time.

Life keeps moving...

Last week was busy. It's hard to believe but Connor is going to high school in just a matter of months. Last week, EJ and I went to several different meetings regarding the transition to high school. It's exciting, scary, and surreal to think that our first born will be a freshman and beginning his journey toward college and adulthood. Truly, life keeps moving. I'm thrilled for Connor and the opportunities at his fingertips but can't help but become saddened thinking of how we will never have the opportunity to be the bystander of Cameron's journey to manhood. Oh how I wish things had turned out differently.

But as life keeps moving on, grief is really setting in. I find the tears flowing more frequently and abundantly than even weeks ago. They say time heals but I'm finding that the more time passes, the more I painfully miss little Cameron. I'm learning a lot about grief and faith. I wish I could say I understood God. I don't. I don't understand why He chooses to heal some, and not others. I don't understand why we Christians love to praise the Lord when news is good and are stricken with silence when its not. Aren't we suppose to praise Him in all things? The answer is yes; the action, however, is hard.

I saw a sign the other day that said, "If you are going through a difficult time and wonder where the Lord is, just remember, the teacher is always silent during a test." This is truly a trial like no other. But He gave it to me, to us, to Cameron for a reason. So as life keeps moving, we are going to keep putting one foot in front of the other; anxiously awaiting the day our sadness turns to joy.

The greatest things come in small packages...

Life is hard...life is crazy, with lots of twists and turns and strange things that happen that the world calls coincidence. However, I beg to differ. Most everyone who follows my blog knows that Cameron carried the name "Action Jackson". However, not everyone knows where that came from. On our very first night at Duke, a 2nd year neurosurgery resident waltzed into our lives who we all, especially Cameron, instantly just adored. He started calling Cam "Action" and it stuck. Fast forward four years, Cameron is still known as "Action Jackson" and we still keep in touch with this wonderful doctor. Today I met his wife and son for lunch...the highlight of my month. I couldn't help but drive away from our meeting today and just simply thank God for the wonderful gifts He has given us in the midst of this crisis. But there are no words to adequately describe juggling the extreme love and gratitude for the amazing people suddenly placed in your life, all the while knowing that if it weren't for a tumor called medulloblastoma, your paths would have never crossed.

What I do know is that in Him, there are no coincidences. I loathe cancer...I hate what it took from me. But God continues to place the right people, in the right place, at the right time to get us through this journey. Today it was a little 11-month old that I only have the privilege of knowing because his daddy loved my Cam years ago. Even when life is bad, God is so good...

Happy Valentine's Day...

It's been an emotional few weeks. This time of year brings back a lot of memories for me. Especially this year as we navigate through the memories without Cameron. Thankfully, I have the most wonderful friends in the world who took me down to Miami last weekend for a few days to relax and forget about the happenings of four years ago. We had a great time, the boys survived without me, but it was good to get home.

Today, I joined the Quintiles finance group at Duke to answer phones during the radiothon to raise money for Duke Children's Hospital. It was exciting, hard, emotional, and therapeutic. It makes me incredibly happy to see the staff at Duke who became part of our family and yet it is heartbreaking to see the families coming in for chemotherapy. If I have learned anything, its that the children dealt such a blow posses character that surpasses most on this Earth. But oh how exhausting it is for the moms and dads who are constantly putting on the "happy" face, hiding the pain and worry deep within.

Life is so strange in our house but we are adjusting to our new "normal". The next few months will be exciting...lots of work/personal trips coming up as close as DC and as far as Germany. Not to mention a half marathon in mid-March. Staying busy seems to be our method of dealing with this void. Many thanks to everyone who continues to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Much love to all. And Happy Valentine's Day

And here comes February...

and all the memories that come with it. The next six weeks will be really hard. February was when Cameron was diagnosed and when this nightmare began...February 8th to be exact. My "normal" life with two amazing kids turned upside down in the blink of an eye. Of all the anniversaries, his diagnosis and relapse (March 19) are the saddest times for me. I was at Duke this evening for a Patient/Family Advisory Council meeting and after the meeting was over, I took leftover food to the PICU nurses and walking in the unit quickly brought me back to those first few days, and nights, at Duke. Wondering how this happened, why in the world it happened to us, questioning why would God allow such, all the while praying so hard He would save our precious son. Four years later, I'm still wondering, and questioning, the same things. What I've come to realize is that my questioning is absolutely ok.

But God is so good and has packed our next few weeks with so many things to keep us busy. I'm excited about our upcoming trips, getting Connor ready for high school and for Spring. I can't wait to see the flowers bloom and Cam's cardinals return. I look forward to the day the sadness in my heart begins to heal. People keep asking how we are doing and honestly, the Jackson's are doing pretty good. We have good days and bad, good moments and bad, but are getting through each day, one step at a time, but after all...that's all we are really promised anyway.

Grief is so strange...

I know I haven't updated the blog in a while and for those who faithfully follow my posts, I apologize. The truth is, I have been at a loss for words lately and for the many who know me, well, you know that is rare. We are moving into the third month without that little wonderful soul whose presence remains so very strong in our lives. I'm learning that grief is so strange. The waves come and go so quickly and for no apparent reason. There are things I cling to because they remind me of Cameron and then things I push far away because they rattle my heart. I cannot even entertain the thoughts of going to Chick-fil-A because it was Cam's favorite place. Ernest will probably never make his famous ginger molasses cookies again for they were Cam's request. And yet tonight, we found ourselves at Target, in the Hot Wheels section, looking for the treasures Cameron no longer can find. As it turns out, we walked out with a stack of new Hot Wheels...who knows why. And while I have named three examples, the list could continue on and on of the constant struggle we have remembering our precious child and guarding our hearts from the most extreme grief one can imagine.

Last night, I was reminded of the scripture in Romans that says "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Perseverance...character...hope...such great qualities to have in life. But not that first ugly word; who wants suffering. My son suffered, I'm suffering, my family is suffering and for as much as I love the Lord, I can't help but cry out "why our family" at times. Standing at a cross roads, choosing to be bitter and wither away or to persevere, is a daily task. Thank you to all who continue to lift us in your thoughts and prayers. Much love always...

Love my church family...

As I attended a church service tonight to pray for a dear family in our church who is going through a journey with cancer, I couldn't help but reflect on the evening the same group of individuals gathered in our home (and church) to pray for Cameron before he started his chemotherapy.  It was one of the sweetest moments of my life.  Cameron just sat on the couch, the center of attention, and bowed his head and closed his eyes as the wonderful men in our church prayed over him.  The world would say those prayers weren't answered...Cameron didn't survive.  But I beg to differ.  

Was he healed?...absolutely.  

Was there victory?...without a doubt.  

Was Christ glorified through his life?...more than words could say.  

Is Christ continuing to be glorified through his life?...more than we will ever know.  

Sometimes it only takes a song...

I heard this song by Laura Story driving to work this week.  I think I have listened to it a hundred times since.  It's amazing just how many blessings surround us, sometimes we just have to open our eyes to see them.  Thank you Lord for sending this to me.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

It's been two months...

It's been two months since Cameron left our home for his eternal home.  People say it will get better with time but I'm beginning to wonder.  I miss him terribly.  The tears come on suddenly and without much warning these days.  As long as I am busy, I'm functional.  But when its quiet, it's sooo quiet.  

Despite the fact it is the first of January, the weather here has been so nice.  This past weekend, EJ and I did some planting in the backyard...cardinal flowers for our Cameron.  Can't wait for them to bloom this spring.  And we were finally able to get some pretty containers to repot the beautiful plants we received when Cam passed.  I can't wait to put them around the house.  Tonight I went with a friend to Bible Study Fellowship; something I've wanted to do for years but time just didn't allow for it.  I find myself in crowds such as tonight looking around the room, wondering what crosses people are carrying.  Surely, the lady sitting to my right, the ladies in front and behind me, had no clue that 2 months ago today, my husband and I held our son as he took his last breath; a fact that keeps me mindful of others I come in contact with these days.  You just never know what others are enduring.

As hard as these days are, God continues providing something to keep my feet moving.  This week, it came in the mail from someone who never met Cameron but followed his journey closely.  Her words were so poetic and beautiful, I wanted to share a portion.  "There is no answer - not human anyway - to the question 'why did Cameron die?'  Someday we will have a divine understanding.  What does make sense to me, is to ask why he lived and that answer is abundant and clear and inspiring.  He was a teacher, a living example of all we should strive to be and his spirit lives in you all as he is now comforted in his heavenly home."

Many thanks for your love and continued prayers.  

Happy New Year...

Thank goodness the holidays are over. Isn't that awful to say? But it was an awful few weeks for us. We miss Cameron so much. The entire Christmas season, I would set off for the mall only to return empty handed; nothing was the same without my shopping buddy. Wrapping gifts for one on Christmas Eve left tears streaming down my face and missing the one whose presence is huge but body is absent in our home. We went through the motions of celebrating Christmas with our family however, it is so hard to do when there is a HUGE hole in your life. I will admit, I frequently have to remind myself that this sadness is merely my earthly emotion, this side of heaven. Cameron...well, he IS home, he IS with Jesus, he IS having a blast. But my mommy heart, it just hurts.

It's a new year and I have to say, I don't think there is anyone any happier to see the calendar flip to 2012 than I am. I am excited to move forward, try to mend my broken heart, make new memories, travel, and spend some time with the other love of my life...Connor. All the while, living as Cam taught me...like every single day is a gift, by not sweating the small stuff, being courageous in all things, thankful of everything, not worrying, and by making every day "the best day ever."