D-Day

Well today is D-Day for us...in the childhood cancer community we call that diagnosis day. Today is five years since we found out our little boy had a brain tumor and would have been, should have been, the milestone when we could essentially stop worry about this disease. Instead, here we are, muddling along through each day trying to figure out what our "normal" is now with his vibrant little self missing. I haven't written on his blog in so long because I just don't know what to say. The holidays came and went and while we enjoyed them, it just wasn't the same; I guess it never will be. As the year went from 2012 to 2013, I laid in bed and watched the ball drop and thought "wow, a new year, I can no longer say last year I lost my son." Something about that reality just makes the gap seems that much wider. So today, I write with a very sad heart thinking about the day our lives changed forever. That morning I took little Cam to kindergarten and by the time night fell, we were sitting in the ER at Duke with this awful diagnosis.

Being the bystander of a child fighting cancer, you learn many things about life and living, the strength within, attitude, courage, and thankfulness. He truly is my hero! So despite the constant void, I am determined to live like Cam...like today is the Best Day Ever!

Thankful?...

So as we were driving home tonight, I was flipping through the stations and suddenly a familiar tune...a little Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" brought a smile and a tear at the same time. I can still hear Cameron's little voice singing it loudly, I can still see the expression on the music therapist at Duke's face when coming by his room in the midst of chemotherapy, Cameron's asked "you got any Jessie's girl?", and yet it also serves as the painful reminder that I will never hear him sing again. Well, at least not in this lifetime...

Here we are at the close of the Thanksgiving holiday. I've watched my friends make daily posts on facebook about things they are thankful for and truly I am thankful for so much...for EJ, for Connor, for my faith, my friends and so much more. However, verbalizing such is difficult as everything seems to be overshadowed by the tremendous sadness in my soul. The truth is, its been a really tough month with the anniversary of Cameron's passing and the start of the holiday season. Sadly, I guess this time of year will forever be a painful time in our lives. But in the midst of the sadness, I am thankful for traditions. As has been the tradition my whole life, the weekend following Thanksgiving has always been the time to put up the Christmas tree and decorate the house for the holidays. A little bah humbug this year, I forced myself to pull the boxes out of the attic and start the process. I have always loved the holidays and been one to put up Christmas trees all over the house. That was before. But Connor helped me get one tree up and as I began to pull out the ornaments, it was like a walk down memory lane...ornaments from little preschool hands that are now a treasure on my tree...ornaments picked out by little hands that take me back to the day they were purchased and the excitement in his eyes. I still haven't found the strength to hang the stockings...not sure if I ever will. I can't hang three; I can't look at four.

Without question, life hasn't really turned out the way I planned. I never anticipated sitting in the place I am now. But here I am, grieving for one forever gone and filled with anticipation for what the future holds for the other. So with each passing day, I'm trying to be thankful for the things that remain in this life and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Cancer has robbed me of so much...I simply refuse to let it rob me of what is ahead.

Almost a year...

It's hard to believe that Friday will be one year since Cameron left this home for his eternal home.  It's even harder to believe that I have a whole lifetime ahead of me before I get to see him again.  The thought process should really be the reverse...he saying goodbye to me...but since it's not, I find myself in unchartered waters and wondering which way to go next.  This week, celebrating his life was no different.  How do you acknowledge the day your child died?  How do you ignore the day your child died?  What is right?  What is wrong?  And then came, what would Cameron want us to do?  So, we decided to do a little toy drive this week to collect items for the toy chest in the hematology/oncology clinic at Duke and try to bring a smile to other little boys and girls who are still in the battle for their life.  I believe that is what Cam would want us to do.  It's sad, but also joyful, that he spent almost half his life at Duke...sad that he did, joyful that he never complained about it.  He actually loved going to see his "Duke friends".  So, this is the plan.  And I am sure this will be the plan every year on the anniversary of his passing.  It's such a hard time for us right now; Friday will be even harder.  But one of my sweet co-workers sent me a podcast of a speaker from their church to listen to.  The speaker said, in reference to the hope in Jesus Christ,  "Remember...the devil, even on his best day, can't defeat you on your worst day"...I love that.  

Hello again...

I know it has been a long time since I have posted anything here but the words wouldn't come. The past month has been especially difficult. I'm emotionally tired...I'm sad...I'm lonely...and more than anything, I just miss Cameron so much. Its hard to believe that in just a few weeks, it will be a year since he left us. In some ways it seems like yesterday that I held his little hand and heard him giggle and in others, it seems like a lifetime since I looked into his big blue eyes. Life is just not the same. The empty seat at the table every night, the empty room in the hall, just paralyzes me sometimes. Connor said tonight at dinner, "it's just so quiet here now." And he is right, it is.

I keep waiting for the light bulb moment to occur when the Lord reveals to me why this is all happening. But as every day passes, and as the hole in my heart just keeps getting deeper, I begin to realize this is probably just not something I am suppose to ever understand. Sometimes I fear not ever being able to open my bible again; I just don't understand the words from this perspective right now. But I also have faith that even if I struggle communicating with the Lord right now, He is still carrying me through this time in my life. After all, He says He will never leave us. Although, it sure feels like it sometimes.

The next few weeks are going to be exceptionally hard with Halloween approaching as well as the anniversary of Cam's passing. Cameron loved dressing up for Halloween...so much that I find myself detouring sections of stores to avoid the aisles. Somebody posted a quote on facebook today that said "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." I giggled thinking...wow, life must be about to start for us because we are surely at the absolute end of our comfort zone. But the truth is, life is already restarting. I don't look at the world the same anymore. I look at every single person whom I come in contact with and wonder what cross they are secretly bearing in their lives. Even when I'm sad, I still put one foot in front of the other and continue on with a smile...that's what my hero taught me to do. I admire Connor's thirst for knowledge and desire to help others. I treasure the little moments he speaks with me about his brother. And I remain thankful for the little things in life...like the beautiful cardinal that flew right in front of my path yesterday! Sometimes its the little things that make all the difference.

A New Chapter...

Here we are at the end of August and at the beginning of a new chapter in the life of the Jackson's. On Monday, Connor heads to high school. I cannot believe it. We have been through so much with Cameron in the past few years that sometimes I forget that Connor entered this world 8 weeks early at 3 pounds, 9 ounces and now that little preemie is a freshman and heading off to high school. Saying time flies is an understatement. As I sat in the auditorium at the high school tonight, tears came to my eyes; I am so excited for Connor and for the opportunities now at his fingertips and yet my heart desperately misses the one who will never get to walk through the adventure of high school.

I too, have opened up a new chapter of life...I have headed back to school myself. This fall may be an interesting one juggling work, school, home life, a high schooler, and everything in between. And on top of that, one of my friends and I are busy planning a St. Baldrick's event in Apex to raise money for childhood cancer. It's strangely therapeutic for me to continue the fight Cameron could not.

To be honest, the past month has been incredibly hard. We came home from a fabulous trip to Europe, Cameron's birthday was a few weeks later, and since then, a thick layer of sadness has just set in with EJ and I. I am not really sure why, perhaps just the waves of grief. Maybe it is all the kids returning to school. I have tried to incorporate morning runs to clear my head, pray, think which has helped but getting through some days is just a task. So I'm staying busy and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. But even in the midst of the sadness, the Lord continues to send little gifts...an impromptu visit with a special family we met as a result of Cam's battle, new friends entering my life, the little boy with long eyelashes at the beach who wanted to "push the button" in the elevator, a special note from one of Cam's friends...all little gifts to keep my feet moving. He says, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" and He holds true to His promise...always!