Thankful?...

So as we were driving home tonight, I was flipping through the stations and suddenly a familiar tune...a little Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" brought a smile and a tear at the same time. I can still hear Cameron's little voice singing it loudly, I can still see the expression on the music therapist at Duke's face when coming by his room in the midst of chemotherapy, Cameron's asked "you got any Jessie's girl?", and yet it also serves as the painful reminder that I will never hear him sing again. Well, at least not in this lifetime...

Here we are at the close of the Thanksgiving holiday. I've watched my friends make daily posts on facebook about things they are thankful for and truly I am thankful for so much...for EJ, for Connor, for my faith, my friends and so much more. However, verbalizing such is difficult as everything seems to be overshadowed by the tremendous sadness in my soul. The truth is, its been a really tough month with the anniversary of Cameron's passing and the start of the holiday season. Sadly, I guess this time of year will forever be a painful time in our lives. But in the midst of the sadness, I am thankful for traditions. As has been the tradition my whole life, the weekend following Thanksgiving has always been the time to put up the Christmas tree and decorate the house for the holidays. A little bah humbug this year, I forced myself to pull the boxes out of the attic and start the process. I have always loved the holidays and been one to put up Christmas trees all over the house. That was before. But Connor helped me get one tree up and as I began to pull out the ornaments, it was like a walk down memory lane...ornaments from little preschool hands that are now a treasure on my tree...ornaments picked out by little hands that take me back to the day they were purchased and the excitement in his eyes. I still haven't found the strength to hang the stockings...not sure if I ever will. I can't hang three; I can't look at four.

Without question, life hasn't really turned out the way I planned. I never anticipated sitting in the place I am now. But here I am, grieving for one forever gone and filled with anticipation for what the future holds for the other. So with each passing day, I'm trying to be thankful for the things that remain in this life and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Cancer has robbed me of so much...I simply refuse to let it rob me of what is ahead.