Hello again...

I know it has been a long time since I have posted anything here but the words wouldn't come. The past month has been especially difficult. I'm emotionally tired...I'm sad...I'm lonely...and more than anything, I just miss Cameron so much. Its hard to believe that in just a few weeks, it will be a year since he left us. In some ways it seems like yesterday that I held his little hand and heard him giggle and in others, it seems like a lifetime since I looked into his big blue eyes. Life is just not the same. The empty seat at the table every night, the empty room in the hall, just paralyzes me sometimes. Connor said tonight at dinner, "it's just so quiet here now." And he is right, it is.

I keep waiting for the light bulb moment to occur when the Lord reveals to me why this is all happening. But as every day passes, and as the hole in my heart just keeps getting deeper, I begin to realize this is probably just not something I am suppose to ever understand. Sometimes I fear not ever being able to open my bible again; I just don't understand the words from this perspective right now. But I also have faith that even if I struggle communicating with the Lord right now, He is still carrying me through this time in my life. After all, He says He will never leave us. Although, it sure feels like it sometimes.

The next few weeks are going to be exceptionally hard with Halloween approaching as well as the anniversary of Cam's passing. Cameron loved dressing up for Halloween...so much that I find myself detouring sections of stores to avoid the aisles. Somebody posted a quote on facebook today that said "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." I giggled thinking...wow, life must be about to start for us because we are surely at the absolute end of our comfort zone. But the truth is, life is already restarting. I don't look at the world the same anymore. I look at every single person whom I come in contact with and wonder what cross they are secretly bearing in their lives. Even when I'm sad, I still put one foot in front of the other and continue on with a smile...that's what my hero taught me to do. I admire Connor's thirst for knowledge and desire to help others. I treasure the little moments he speaks with me about his brother. And I remain thankful for the little things in life...like the beautiful cardinal that flew right in front of my path yesterday! Sometimes its the little things that make all the difference.