Life keeps moving...

Last week was busy. It's hard to believe but Connor is going to high school in just a matter of months. Last week, EJ and I went to several different meetings regarding the transition to high school. It's exciting, scary, and surreal to think that our first born will be a freshman and beginning his journey toward college and adulthood. Truly, life keeps moving. I'm thrilled for Connor and the opportunities at his fingertips but can't help but become saddened thinking of how we will never have the opportunity to be the bystander of Cameron's journey to manhood. Oh how I wish things had turned out differently.

But as life keeps moving on, grief is really setting in. I find the tears flowing more frequently and abundantly than even weeks ago. They say time heals but I'm finding that the more time passes, the more I painfully miss little Cameron. I'm learning a lot about grief and faith. I wish I could say I understood God. I don't. I don't understand why He chooses to heal some, and not others. I don't understand why we Christians love to praise the Lord when news is good and are stricken with silence when its not. Aren't we suppose to praise Him in all things? The answer is yes; the action, however, is hard.

I saw a sign the other day that said, "If you are going through a difficult time and wonder where the Lord is, just remember, the teacher is always silent during a test." This is truly a trial like no other. But He gave it to me, to us, to Cameron for a reason. So as life keeps moving, we are going to keep putting one foot in front of the other; anxiously awaiting the day our sadness turns to joy.

The greatest things come in small packages...

Life is hard...life is crazy, with lots of twists and turns and strange things that happen that the world calls coincidence. However, I beg to differ. Most everyone who follows my blog knows that Cameron carried the name "Action Jackson". However, not everyone knows where that came from. On our very first night at Duke, a 2nd year neurosurgery resident waltzed into our lives who we all, especially Cameron, instantly just adored. He started calling Cam "Action" and it stuck. Fast forward four years, Cameron is still known as "Action Jackson" and we still keep in touch with this wonderful doctor. Today I met his wife and son for lunch...the highlight of my month. I couldn't help but drive away from our meeting today and just simply thank God for the wonderful gifts He has given us in the midst of this crisis. But there are no words to adequately describe juggling the extreme love and gratitude for the amazing people suddenly placed in your life, all the while knowing that if it weren't for a tumor called medulloblastoma, your paths would have never crossed.

What I do know is that in Him, there are no coincidences. I loathe cancer...I hate what it took from me. But God continues to place the right people, in the right place, at the right time to get us through this journey. Today it was a little 11-month old that I only have the privilege of knowing because his daddy loved my Cam years ago. Even when life is bad, God is so good...

Happy Valentine's Day...

It's been an emotional few weeks. This time of year brings back a lot of memories for me. Especially this year as we navigate through the memories without Cameron. Thankfully, I have the most wonderful friends in the world who took me down to Miami last weekend for a few days to relax and forget about the happenings of four years ago. We had a great time, the boys survived without me, but it was good to get home.

Today, I joined the Quintiles finance group at Duke to answer phones during the radiothon to raise money for Duke Children's Hospital. It was exciting, hard, emotional, and therapeutic. It makes me incredibly happy to see the staff at Duke who became part of our family and yet it is heartbreaking to see the families coming in for chemotherapy. If I have learned anything, its that the children dealt such a blow posses character that surpasses most on this Earth. But oh how exhausting it is for the moms and dads who are constantly putting on the "happy" face, hiding the pain and worry deep within.

Life is so strange in our house but we are adjusting to our new "normal". The next few months will be exciting...lots of work/personal trips coming up as close as DC and as far as Germany. Not to mention a half marathon in mid-March. Staying busy seems to be our method of dealing with this void. Many thanks to everyone who continues to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Much love to all. And Happy Valentine's Day

And here comes February...

and all the memories that come with it. The next six weeks will be really hard. February was when Cameron was diagnosed and when this nightmare began...February 8th to be exact. My "normal" life with two amazing kids turned upside down in the blink of an eye. Of all the anniversaries, his diagnosis and relapse (March 19) are the saddest times for me. I was at Duke this evening for a Patient/Family Advisory Council meeting and after the meeting was over, I took leftover food to the PICU nurses and walking in the unit quickly brought me back to those first few days, and nights, at Duke. Wondering how this happened, why in the world it happened to us, questioning why would God allow such, all the while praying so hard He would save our precious son. Four years later, I'm still wondering, and questioning, the same things. What I've come to realize is that my questioning is absolutely ok.

But God is so good and has packed our next few weeks with so many things to keep us busy. I'm excited about our upcoming trips, getting Connor ready for high school and for Spring. I can't wait to see the flowers bloom and Cam's cardinals return. I look forward to the day the sadness in my heart begins to heal. People keep asking how we are doing and honestly, the Jackson's are doing pretty good. We have good days and bad, good moments and bad, but are getting through each day, one step at a time, but after all...that's all we are really promised anyway.