Nearer than you think...

Several years ago, in the midst of Cameron's battle, someone gave me the book Jesus Calling.  It has sat on my desk since then but for some reason, last night I picked it up and turned to the devotional for the day which read:

"I am nearer than you think, richly present in all your moments.  However, you may feel alone sometimes because your union with Me is invisible.  Ask Me to open your eyes so that you might find Me everywhere.  The more aware you are of My presence, the safer you feel...Faith is the confirmation of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed by the senses."

It was interesting to read because over the past few months, this has been a real conviction of mine.  Not focusing on the negative but getting up every morning and asking God to open my eyes to the blessings around me...being thankful in everything that I do have.  It's a task...it's a BIG task.  Some days it is easier than other.  Others not so much.  But what an amazing difference in a day when you focus on the positives and not the negatives.

Just this week, one of my best friends was coming to meet me for lunch.  She got lost...lived here for years but still got lost.  So I said, stay where you are, I'm coming to you.  After giggling (ok, I confess, making fun of her directionally challenged self) we enjoyed a nice lunch and then I looked up and saw someone with the biggest smile walking towards me.  It took a moment to register who it was, another dear friend of mine who I met at Duke...her son was in the room next to Cameron.  We have kept in touch over the years but I haven't seen her in months and months.  What a wonderful surprise!  What added joy to an already wonderful lunch.  So getting lost and a change of plans actually turned out to be such a blessing and such a reminder to me that sometimes, we just have to keep our eyes open for all the little reminders God has for us that get us through each and every day.

Happy Birthday Cameron

Today was a bittersweet day for our family for it would have been Cameron’s 11^th birthday.  We have dreaded this day for months, not knowing how or what to do for the day he looked forward to so much.  To celebrate or not to celebrate?  Letting the day his wonderful little soul came into our life come and go and not acknowledge it seemed wrong.  But celebrating did too.  I guess this is just the reality so many families like ours face after losing a child.  But this morning, EJ came up with a brilliant idea.  While at Target a few weeks ago, we picked up the new 2012 red Hot Wheels Ferrari…it would have been a Cam favorite for sure.  We attached a note.

 

 

Added a bunch of balloons.  And then the three of us went to the church, held the strings together, and then released them into the clouds. 

 

 

Tears flowed as I watched the balloons float away.

 

 

Such sadness and yet such joy.  Despite the pain of the past few years, I have been given such a wonderful family.  11 years ago today, I had no idea what we would have to endure with the little 6lb, 7oz baby in our arms.  But even if I had to do it over again, I would just to have the opportunity to be his mommy!  Love you and miss you more than words can say sweet Cam and cannot wait to meet you at the feet of Jesus one day. 

 

Thankful in ALL things?

It's been a while since I wrote for a combination of reasons.  Life is busy, work is crazy, I've been sad, not much to say, and beyond that, I have been trying to find a way to turn my grieving heart into a thankful one...that is, thankful in ALL things.  Sometimes I pause when thanking God for all the amazing people now in my life...how can I be thankful for those who are present only because of a tumor called medulloblastoma; a tumor that ultimately took my wonderful little boy.  And I question, how Lord can I be thankful in ALL things?  And how Lord, do I move forward?  

I can say with complete certainty that I can't even remember the pre-cancer LeAnn and at times, I find myself in places wondering "how did I get here?"  This past week was one of those times.  I went to Washington DC as part of the Alliance for Childhood Cancer.  I, along with about 250 others, met on Capitol HIll for two days to discuss the issues at hand in childhood cancer and meet with our congressional representatives to urge action.  I went to do what I do best...TALK!  And yes, I presented a good argument.  But I walked away with a peace I didn't go to DC for.  For two days, my eyes focused in on the young children in the room who were survivors, and as I listened to their parents speak of the many debilitating difficulties these survivors face as a result of the toxic chemicals they received as part of their treatment, a peace came over me...

And as I sat in church today, I began to sob listening to one of the songs.  The verse says:

No guilt in life,

No fear in death

This is the pow'r of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

My tears were of joy.  The truth is, Cameron never feared death and cancer never plucked him from our Lord's hand.  Those who knew Cameron have and will always attest to the fact that he was a very special child.  What I've come to realize is that Cameron was different because he was full of the pow'r of Christ.  What I've come to desire it to move forward with the same fearless strength.  I miss him like crazy.  His giggle resonates in my soul and makes me smile even on the worst days.  Why didn't he survive?  Maybe I got my answer...perhaps this mommy's heart couldn't bear to see him struggle for the rest of his life.  Or maybe, he accomplished what his purpose was for this life.  And as I sit in my dark, quiet house this evening, I am thankful for my wonderful family of four, and even if for only 10 years, the opportunity to be Cameron's mommy and witness true, unquestioning faith. 

Does God really work in the "easy"?

A few weeks ago, I was in the car with some friends and we were discussing "life".  One of them said "man, I sure am glad my life is easy!"  I knew what she meant...easy means having a loving husband, great job, healthy kids, beautiful home...and the list could go on and on.  Who doesn't want that.    But that comment left me pondering two things in my heart for weeks...should we desire an "easy life"? and does God really work in the "easy"?

Clearly, life hasn't been easy for the Jackson's over the past few years.  Actually, its been pretty catastrophic.  To be completely honest, it has been difficult to return to church, difficult to pray, and especially difficult to read my Bible.  What has been interesting is that during this time when I have been distant to the tangible aspects of my faith, I have found myself thinking, and perhaps growing, more than I ever have in the past.  And it makes me wonder how much of my life was spent, as Matthew West sings, going through "The Motions".  

It was 6 months ago today that we said goodbye to Cameron.  I feel like David sometimes who writes in Psalm 6 "I am worn out by sobbing.  Every night I make my bed swim; I dissolve my couch with my tears."  The tears come so easy.  My mind is always on the one I miss so painfully and the only One who can help me get through another day...trusting that in this time of uneasiness, God's doing something miraculous.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Cam's special place

The past few weeks have been the hardest yet.  Cameron loved Easter...everything about it.  And adding to our heavy emotions, we got the call Easter week that they were putting in the stone at Cameron's special place.  So we packed up and headed to Georgia.  I have to be honest, I was nervous about going.  I wanted to see things finished but visiting the cemetery is so emotional.  EJ and I got up our first morning there and went to visit...

 

 

Cameron would sit for hours and doodle cars and racetracks and we were able to have some of his drawings etched into the granite.  A perfect tribute to the sweetest little boy.

 

My sister spent hours making an arrangement for Cameron’s special place.  It was colorful and happy…just like Cam.

 

 

As we got up on Easter morning to head back to North Carolina…the three of us stood thinking about the one who is missing…

 

 

The tears flowed like a river.  I long for happier times…

 

 

I began thinking about the first Easter morning.  Because Jesus’ tomb was empty, so is Cameron’s.  I desperately wish God’s plan for our lives had been different but trust He is going to get us through this.  We are trying to adjust to our new “normal”.  It’s a daily task to laugh.  It’s a struggle at times to pray.  We just miss Cam so much…